You know what never gets old? Nothing. We are all slowly decaying and eventually we will all die. With any luck, this reminder of your mortality has prompted you to anxiously down an espresso and triple-check how many steps you took today. You see, according to a recent study, which analysed data from more than 500,000 people in the UK, neurotic tendencies can help you live longer. This news comes shortly after another study found regularly drinking coffee might add years to your life.

If you’re not lucky enough to have been born a neurotic caffeine-addict, don’t worry, there’s still hope. I’ve put together a brief guide that outlines some quick and easy ways to extend your life, should that be something you wish to do, given the imminent possibility of nuclear war and the present popularity of male rompers.

It’s a truth universally repeated that nothing is certain in life except for death and taxes. However, it turns out avoiding your taxes might help you dodge death a little longer. According to the CIA World Factbook, Monaco has the highest life expectancy in the world at 89.5 years. This might be down to the temperate climate or it might be due to the fact that Monaco is almost exclusively populated by the mega-wealthy because it is a notorious tax haven. Funnily enough, tax havens appear to have some of the highest life expectancies in the world. Residents of Macau can expect to live to 84.5; in Andorra the average is 82.8; in Guernsey it’s 82.5. Avoiding taxes may well be the financial equivalent of teenage blood transfusions: an elderly elite greedily sucking sustenance from the young.

Numerous studies have linked pet ownership to better physical and mental health. But not all pets are created equal and, as any right-thinking person knows, the best sort of pet to get if you’re looking for a longer, happier life is a dog. Dogs need to be walked and walking is good for you; dog-ownership has been associated with a reduced risk of heart disease. Cats, on the other hand, have an innate evil that has never been domesticated out of them. If they get a chance, they’ll kill you, and then they’ll eat you. Granted, I don’t have an actual scientific study to back that up, but I’m fairly certain it’s true.

According to a recent study from Oregon State University, you’re likely to live longer if you retire after 65. The researchers found that when people retired at 66 instead of 65, their mortality rates dropped by 11%. So the fact the Tories are now planning to raise the state pension age doesn’t mean the government doesn’t care about young people. On the contrary: they are benevolently looking out for everyone’s best interests!

When you turn 100, you get a message from the Queen and a licence to mercilessly troll the media. Whenever super-old people are interviewed by the press they always seem to say the secret to their long life is something extremely dubious. For example, according to 110-year-old Grace Jones, the key to a long life is drinking whisky. A 107-year-old Spanish man who died last year credited his advanced age to drinking four bottles of wine a day and never drinking water. And before she died at age 109, Scotland’s oldest woman, Jessie Gallan, said her secret to a long life was eating porridge and “staying away from men”. Actually, you know what, she might have a point.